I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
