i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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