when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
