Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
