Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
