the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
