my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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