So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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