went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
