Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
