I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
