I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
