There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
