I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
