I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
