I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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