I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
