I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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