my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
