Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
