The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
