You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
