I'm really into asian looking animals
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
