Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
