yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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