Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
