I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
