Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
