Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
