I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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