I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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