Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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