Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
