i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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