Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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