I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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