I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
