I want to have your abortion
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
