that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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