I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
