I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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