I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
