he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
