I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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