dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
