i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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