I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
