Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
