my mouth tastes like poor choices
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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