my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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