The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
