eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
