You made me cry and you don't even care
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
