Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
