i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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