woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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